I don’t know how to be a mom. Even after giving birth to my first child, I never experienced being one because my mom was always there for me during the first few months. It all went to the extent that I chose to work abroad and left her with my mom at an early age of three months. Of course I love her so much but I also never wanted to give up my career.
However, I can’t concentrate on working; my thoughts was with her almost all the time. My husband and I decided to get her and stay with us overseas but we hired a nanny to take care of her.
I thought it was the right thing but I was so wrong. My daughter shied away from me. She never wanted me at all. I am like a stranger to her. She loves her nanny and her grandparents more than me and it hurts so much. Whenever I tried to hold her she will cry leaving me no choice but to give her back to her nanny. I easily gave up and concentrate working telling myself that she will acknowledge me when she grows up. We were together but we never had a chance to bond because I was always tired from overtime and pressure in work.
“But God has a plan.”
A definite plan to wake me up before things went too far.
I got pregnant with my second baby when she was 9 months old and I had to stop working since my pregnancy wasn’t easy. Due to some circumstances, we went back home. Slowly, I can feel her getting closer to me. Each night I would tell her how much mommy and daddy loves her. And each night I waited for her response to say “I love you too mommy.”
Things worked just the way God has planned.
When I gave birth to my second baby, I brought her along with her grandparents. When I was at the emergency room, my mother in-law told me that my daughter was looking for me and cried when she notice that I wasn’t behind. It was the beginning of our love affair! 🙂
She waited at the room during my operation and she patiently waited for me three days to go home. She was like an adult looking at me waking each night when the nurses would come around. She never wanted to leave the hospital room without me.
Those days made me realize how much I wanted to take care of them. The thought of going back to work vanished. That time I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be with them twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week until they are able to learn on their own.
A career can wait, a child’s youth will only be once and I want them to remember me as mommy, not some stranger going home late at night and forced them to love me. I want to be there in each fall after their first few steps. I want to personally take care of them. I want them to wake up each morning seeing my face and kissing them and I want them to sleep while hearing soft lullabies from me.
A full-time mom is fulfilling and at the same time tiring. But when your heart is dedicated to what you are doing, you can never be tired. Until this moment, I don’t have any regrets. Looking back, I think that I am much better person,mom, and wife.
I could never argue with those moms who chose to work nor am I judging them because we have different beliefs and reasons. We have different situations and I can never say that a working mom is caring less, I know that each moms out there love their children as much but circumstances are inevitable. To those moms who are successful dividing their time between family and career, I salute you! To those mom who chose to be full-time I respect you, for we are sailing on the same boat, experiencing the phrase above.